Communication and its oddities…

We know when a person is angry, upset, unstable, not to engage them in conversation till they calm down…at least if we want to have sane conversation….. 

How is it then we do not do the same with children….why do we give immediate attention to a child when he or she is throwing tantrums, crying hysterically, trying to communicate in the midst of their sobs and yells…and we try either to pacify, or interpret, or yell back or force an issue?

[I am not referring to emergency or life and death incidents…where immediate attention should rightfully be given.]

The most appropriate response to a highly emotionally charged child is to let them chill out first.

Actually parents ought to tell their children way ahead of any incidences how they will handle highly emotional behaviour, to show the children that they have a clear thinking on handling such matters. That is whenever the children  behave very emotionally, Mom and Dad will not communicate or respond but will send them to the ‘restore corner’ [designated space for child to sit which must be the same exact spot and consistently practised] and only when they calm down, then communication will begin.

Parents, if you care for your children’s future, when you are no longer around or when they are not by your side, teach them how to contain their emotion, how to handle highly charged environment. If you shield them, if you fight on their behalf, you are living their life for them… so how does the following saying fit?

"teach me how to fish, instead of fishing for me…”

Bones to pick…

A man was upset with another man for some evil thing that the latter did to him.
The man who did evil died…but the man who is upset had ‘bones’ to pick. So, he kept the dead man’s corpse next to him all the time so he can pick at it whenever he wants. He has a ‘victim’ mindset and held onto the corpse, though stinky, unhygienic, meaningless…

He could not let go of the past and so the corpse became a permanent fixture in his life. Wherever he goes, the rotting corpse goes. People around him cannot see the corpse but can smell the bad odour and stayed away from him. Others quarrel with him because they think he is weird. He started to be alienated. Success eludes him as such….he kept having to proof himself, at least he thinks he has to….that he is entitled to what the dead man took from him.

He found others who did the same as he. It is like misery attracts misery….all who have a smelling corpse with them became friends…they hung out together talking about the evil deeds of the rotting corpse….drank, ranted, taking revenge on every antagonist who dares to be in their way. In the process more corpses got collected.

After some time, the burden of carrying the corpses became weary and the man with the ‘victim’ mindset stop living a healthy lifestyle. Life emptied out on him. He makes decisions concerning and considering only the immediate….not at all interested in the future. Living in the moment of ‘now’ but with the corpses has extracted so much out of him that he has no more energy to think clearly and plan clearly for the future.

This 'man' and his 'friends' are amongst our family members and friends. We cannot ignore them…we have to help them if they want to be helped.

Ah aha from a lizard….

Am glad i can learn from a lizard…

I was walking up to my apartment when i noticed a lizard…common encounter..but..

I did not pay it any attention this time because I had a headache. Just then, I thought…if I had paid it any attention, the two of us will have a ‘i-frighten–you-and-you-frighten-me’ experience. I would anticipate its move and / or try to shoo it away..making it a clear ‘battle’ of sorts. However, when I did not look at it, I was not anticipating, and I was not engaged with its movement. The lizard will of course do what it does whether i see it or not.

So, it is with life, if i paid attention to the ‘antagonist’ we will both spar but if I do not pay the attention, I am moving on with life.

Thanks lizard for teaching me a lesson.

What learning should be….

This video encapsulates learning even without words…[watch without audio, the impact is still the same]

http://youtu.be/BX31FkIMjPI

It shows ‘discovery’ and the learner was having fun the entire time. There was no complaint. There was not whining about difficulty, or pain. There was no limit to the discovering. The spirit of ‘aha’ pervades the entire time. So much joy!


Should we not see our own learning the same way? Be unconstrained in learning about oneself, and constantly developing a clear definition of ‘boundaries’. Instead of cribbing about others, circumstances and making oneself the victim of circumstance?

Why does one get bitter….

I believe that when God comes, He will bring to light the things hidden in the darkness and disclose the motives of men’s hearts. Each man will receive his or her praise directly from God himself.

As such, we are not to go on passing judgement before the time but wait until the Lord comes…

I believe if we do not pass judgement on others, we will not have bitterness within. If we do pass judgement we are in essence playing God. A nasty effect of playing God is the production of ‘toxins’ within our spirit person…leading to bitterness…

instead of helping the situation by passing judgement, we actually end up building a wall of bitterness.

So if we do away with blame, passing judgement, and self righteousness, bitterness will not find any nutrients from which to grow.

Success is not about methods, it is an attitude of the mind….

Those searching for methods, buying books, attending seminars to seek the secrets to Success will be upset with what i am saying here…..“there is not any!”

It is an attitude of the mind – cultivated by parents when we were growing up, if not then, by challenges throughout life’s journey.

Recently a dear friend told of her two young girls’ health challenges due to weather changes, dust and allergies. Sprightly ones who end up being inactive  because of breathing difficulties. But – a big but! Both young girls attended competitions, performances, sat for exams, ie. carried out their committed responsibilities even though they were not well. 

Mind you it is not because their parents are driving them to. Both young girls learnt the spirit of excellence when very young and they self motivate / self regulate well….they are overcomers and conquerors! Their parents did not force them to do things or insist that they must keep up with the Jones or pushed them to top everybody in school.

Instead, the girls have a strong internal mechanism that served them well…both are in the national upper rank in science / maths…[India]

A separate observation confirms the absence of secrets. I was asked to help with an oddity in MS Word doc formatting. After some fiddling i was able to resolve the oddity. I reflected on it…was i that much better than the person who asked? Actually, no I am not. The difference between us is that i am willing to experiment and through trial and error found the solution. This is another mark for success…a strong learning spirit.

Combine a spirit of excellence with perpetual learning mindset - that is a potent force for success.

Those who do not turn every experience into a learning experience, and let others solve the problems for them and those who do not have the internal mechanisms to self motivate / self regulate ….will end up paying too much money to seek that elusive secret.

Parents, i suggest you might want to focus on building / inculcating the need to self motivate / self regulate early in your children’s life. This would be the most essential investment you can ever make in your children because that mindset / attitude will help your children survive anything. Even if you leave behind house, insurance, money, etc…these things are temporal in that the house can be compounded by land authorities, the money is likely to be squandered [because they did not earn it so they won’t cherish it], etc.

I am grateful to my ever-loving Heavenly Father, that though i did not study how to be successful, He has given me life’s challenges [school of hard knocks] and a spirit of excellence and deep learning appetite….i will, with God’s help and His favour, have a path with hope and a future i know that is successful.

How we see life is how we treat it…

and how others treat us….

So it begins with us changing our own world view / paradigm….then we treat our life differently and others will also treat us differently.

In short, the onus is not on others to change, it is on us to change!

Absolute trust…

When we are born, we are endowed with absolute trust. We do not question or doubt our parents when we were mere infants, we just trust them.

That innocent / unchallenged trust so precious even to the parents, gets eroded over time ….sadly…till people do not want to uphold absolute trust.

Many a person will trust God up to 80%. The pious one maybe 98%. If God be God, can we not trust Him 100%?

It is ok to hole-ly…

I struggle much with how my character flaws keep getting in the way of progress of what i want to accomplish…

I get upset and become impatient. My mood affects everyone around me. The situation spirals and I am just completely spent….and nothing is changed…

This week has been just one of those weeks that got me discouraged and depressed. I am better than before in that I can recognise the thoughts and associated behaviours and therefore can decide to arrest them after a couple of hours….instead of days in yesteryears…
However, this time, i got a big ‘aha’ – a breakthrough. I have been reading and listening to teachings that got me released….by accepting my humanity. I should take my eyes off my problems, off myself, off others and put them completely on Jesus. It is the cracks in me, the clay that is full of holes that Jesus can radiate his holiness. I am challenged to accept and believe that Jesus is equally as present when i am doing fine as when i made lots of boo-boo. It is only when i am weak, and am humbly dependent on Him, and out of Jesus’ way, that He does the most marvellous thing in my life.
Simply I believe Jesus loves me all the time, unconditionally, regardless of my error of ways….His love will lead me home to Him.

When i forget Jesus’ love for me, i fall apart. When i am filled with Jesus’ love, the cracks are fine. I accept the ‘holes’ that make me more holy.

http://www.completelydevoted.org/2011/12/cracked-pots/

http://www.evokeministries.org/365/cracked-pots/

Being passionate gets one in trouble…

Those of us who are passionate about what we do tend also to be vocal and opinionated – it comes with the territory. All known historical leaders who had left an impact in humanity were not likely to be afraid of speaking up passionately, though their opinion might be proved wrong later.

Those of us who speak up passionately often step on someone’s tail inadvertently. All too often, that gets blown out of proportion and motives are attributed and matters get blown out of proportion. It is so easy to back off and be quiet, and find a corner and hide. Or try to use a pseudo-name or be anonymous, almost apologetic for having an opinion.

I choose to speak up, express my view even though it might offend someone. At least, I am true to myself. I do not believe in saying one thing with my mouth, but thinking another in my heart. I do not expect everyone to agree with me as I do not agree with everyone. I might speak passionately but that does not mean I do not have room to hear another’s opinion.

Neither is it an excuse to intentional offend people. Just live life passionately.

We measure and are measured by events instead of character and value..

I noticed with sadness that increasingly people measure and are measured by events /transactions instead of values and character.

Giving a person ‘benefit of the doubt’ may be a thing of the past. What does it mean to give someone a benefit of the doubt? Do you know?

To give someone benefit of the doubt is, in the midst of something bad, to decide on face value, recognizant of his or her character, instead of reading between the line, reading motive and intent. No matter how much the circumstances point to the guilt of the opposite party, I choose to not conclude so due to the character / values of that person.

Conversely, many people, increasingly more, conclude on motives and guilt based on an event / transaction. The event / transaction takes precedent over the values and character of the opposite party. The events / transactions seem to define a person’s future and worth.

It is very sad. People should be about values and character, not about performance, events, and transactions.

I stand guilty of that and apologise to all whom i have treated wrongly.

Behaviour versus performance…

In a high performance culture, people are very much driven by performance, measured by performance, and the mind is only focused on performance. To the point that one might measure one’s worth by one’s performance.

Yet, the more critical element is our attitude which in turn affects our behaviours. So often that is the most tangible and visible representation of us before the performance results show. We get judged by our attitude and behaviours – more significantly and for a longer time – than the results of our performance.

Two persons can do the same thing with equal competency, and achieve same results. But the one who does it with passion, joy and spirit of excellence will come across differently from the one who does it out of fear, resentment, or arrogance.

We all love to work with people with passion because that makes the office come alive. We may not like that person, but we know the office is not the same without such a person.

Steve Jobs was not liked as Senior but many chose to stay at Apple because they are inspired by him [from the book, Inside Steve’s Brain by Leander Kahney].

You know you have matured when you…

There has been much written about generation gaps with each new generation. I have also often opined on the subject but recently I see a different view on generational differences.

I believe every generation goes through the same awakening, challenges, sense of being misunderstood by previous generations, taken lightly, indulged or neglected, etc…. it is the same rite of passage. Of course world events are different, technology is different, economics and industry are different.

What hit me about the difference with each generation is really around the time of maturity. Let me explain.

[The following are broad brush statements.] Those from the veterans generation had to be mature around the age of 15-16 years due to the circumstances of the war, fathers being drafted, killed etc.

Those in baby boomers generation had to mature around late teens to 20ish due to the days of industrialisation and children had to adjust to parent’s hardship.

Those in Gen X would mature around mid 20s against their own backdrop of world events, family events, etc.

Gen Y does not need to mature if they do not want to. Many in their late 20s / early 30s are still not mature. Their parents are still paying their bills or shielding them from the consequences of bad decisions / bad behaviours.

What then is maturity?

It is when one takes up responsibilities for one’s own spending, own mistakes, and face own consequence [instead of parents or friends].

It is when one is willing to sacrifice immediate good for a future great. It is when one is willing to sacrifice one’s own joy for the sake of another.

It is when we can see our own mistakes first before pointing the finger at others.  It is when we do not complain about everything and exaggerate the situation like a 4-year old whose balloon burst.

We know we are mature when we do not fight everything in rebellion and contribute to a cause that we have no glory to claim from.

Given these are generalisations, there will be wonderful exceptions ….and i am glad there are.

Pin ball or golf ball…

I find the pin ball and golf ball to be excellent illustration of mindsets.

The pin ball moves quite haphazardly across ‘space’ depending on the player’s action. There is hardly any strategy – just action and reactions.

Conversely, the golf ball moves across ‘space’ quite strategically and meaningfully, i might add.

We, in the interactions of life, can either be in pin-ball state or golf-ball state.

World’s oddities….

Practically everywhere we can find service providers using their mobile phones while working. I mean everywhere, country wise, retail shops, hospitality services etc.

Often i see that the one and only staff, talking on the phone [not minding the stall] at the risk of the merchandise being shoplifted. I feel bad for the owner of the stall. Security guards at banks, talk away on phone, not being alert to surroundings.  Receptionists at front desk of big buildings chatting while trying to serve guests.

Perhaps the most ‘connected’ of all times, we seem to be well listened to or have means to vent more than ever. Should we not be more stable than before? Need less attention than before? Emotionally more connected?

Counselling need is on the rise, instead.

Pioneer …

Nature Guide beating down a path on a hike in Mudumalai National Forest [July 2011]

 

 

When i was watching the nature guide opening up a less trodden, sometimes new path, using his parang [long knife], i was reminded of the role of a pioneer. A role i identify with.

He walks in front of everyone. He requires us to observe certain protocols for our own safety and for higher chance of success to view the creatures of the wild.

He listens, he looks at for cues left behind by the animals, he uses his nose to detect scent, he is fully concentrated to create success for the people under his charge. He takes his role very seriously.

He has to necessarily travel light to allow adept mobility. He therefore will get scratches and meet many occupational hazards unknown to others.

In the end, he has indeed created a path for another nature guide / forest ranger to tread on. That does not bother him.

A true pioneer is happy to open new paths.

Life Transformation – Turning Over A New Leaf …

In almost every conscious moment of a transformed life, there is typically an acknowledgement of error or a reckoning of need to change.

No mincing of words, no hedging, no positive psychology, no avoidance of negative words ….just a relentless focus to change course of direction.

Yet, in almost all change management attempts in organisations, there is a distinct effort to avoid using negative language, in accordance with the positive psychology movement.

There will be minimal transformation – just behavioural adjustments out of obligations, temporal adjustment at best. That explains why change management efforts are often unappreciated.

The proverbial ‘Let the child burn his finger and he will learn never to play with fire again’ has no element of positive psychology but it is the most effective change management and at minimal cost. It gets the job done.

Wisdom….

There are various explanations given for wisdom:

• “knowledge of what is true or right coupled with just judgment as to action; sagacity, discernment, or insight.”
• “the ability or result of an ability to think and act utilizing knowledge, experience, understanding, common sense, and insight”
• “accumulated knowledge, erudition, or enlightenment”

Wikipedia says

Wisdom is:

“..a deep understanding and realizing of people, things, events or situations, resulting in the ability to choose or act or inspire to consistently produce the optimum results with a minimum of time, energy or thought. It is the ability to optimally (effectively and efficiently) apply perceptions and knowledge and so produce the desired results. Wisdom is also the comprehension of what is true or right coupled with optimum judgment as to action.”

Discernment is:

“..the activity of determining the value of a certain subject or event. Typically, it is used to describe the activity of going past the mere perception of something, to making detailed judgments about that thing. As a virtue, a discerning individual is considered to possess wisdom, and be of good judgement; especially so with regard to subject matter often overlooked by others.”

Insight is:

“…

1. The capacity to discern the true nature of a situation; penetration.
2. The act or outcome of grasping the inward or hidden nature of things or of perceiving in an intuitive manner.

Answers.com says ‘insight’ is:

1. an instance of apprehending the true nature of a thing, especially through intuitive understanding: an insight into 18th-century life.
2. penetrating mental vision or discernment; faculty of seeing into inner character or underlying truth.

By the argument by proponents of relativity, there can be no knowledge, discernment, insights and discernment. After all, they argue ‘truth’ and ‘right’ is relative.

I think we must accept that there are some truths and rights and wrongs that are absolutes.

Are you duped?

I  passed by an apparent sales area and a couple of ladies caught my eyes. They are not the young and savvy but probably their mothers. These ladies were very ‘kiasu’ [scared to loose] and I looked at the merchandise. Interestingly, it was some branded outfits typically with appeal to young adults.

The ladies recognised the label and saw the supposed sales [50%] discount, presumably thought of their children, got all excited to snag a few very good buys.

Is brand name such a big thing? The power of the brand [all the works of a bunch of marketing whiz kids] is scary in the way they create a ‘cult following’. Is it that big a deal to have recognisable brands [though quality may not be excellent]?

I saw a young boy – about 10 years old – in a shirt with all the logos of branded goods. What were the parents thinking or the boy thinking? Brands and Logos are but dispensable items in life. Life got to be more than brands….

Think about it. It really is a group of rich people manipulating a group of blind fishes to bite the bait. The rich does not care but the one who paid a lot to get the supposed branded good had been taken for a ride, or should i say ‘the blind fish is on the dinning table.’

Inter-generational differences …

All things said, every generation has its own version stereotyped characters – no unique ones.

So what is the difference? 2 major factors are different ie the parenting skill.s [mental paradigm of parents] and the technology

While the issues faced by most generations are more or less the same – Gen Y being no different, the big challenge with Gen Y is that they are all vocal and they tend to have shallow understanding – driven largely by the ‘i like’ / ‘i don’t like’ culture.

It is easier to create a herd behaviour without realising / anticipating / understanding the possible consequences. Such herd mentality is more dangerous then we know – as is often quoted ‘a little knowledge is dangerous’.

Ironically i seem to detect a strong element of fear in Gen Y, a fear within them regarding their destiny in an increasingly less ‘together’ world but there is no sign of fear when it comes to interacting with authority. Perhaps a little healthy fear of authority might help in removing the fear of the unknown.