Excessive dose of positive psychology leads to rudeness….irony

Recent events at various places, including at airports, showcase a very ironic and sad reality…

A 3 year-old child beating up his 6 year-old sibling and getting away with it; the same child hitting his Grandma and getting away with it. The mother in fact chided the older sibling. Her own mother [Grandma] tried to correct the younger tyrant but ended up being hit by the child but the child’s mom said nothing.

So it is not ok to discipline a child but it is ok for that child to hit others? What kind of logic is this? The sad reality is the one whom the parent does not discipline eventually becomes a possible problem to society. All the justification of positive psychology and soft touch for misbehaving kids merely reinforce rude behaviours. Positive psychology can create little monsters just as negative psychology. These little monsters, unfortunately, never grow out of their tantrums, manipulation, self centeredness and even lying. Unless the parents, who are the guardians appointed to guide them, consciously mould them to be civic minded individuals.

I see children yelling at their parents, showing no respect to them, beating them and the parents do nothing to correct that inappropriate behaviour. Some years down the road, these parents will wonder why they have lost the respect of their child.

I am thankful for those parents who do guide, like the one who told his 2 year-old not to yell at a restaurant where i was dinning. Daddy said “shh, do not disturb others who are eating.”

In quite a number of western states, there is no more separation between family and state. The authorities are poking their nose into family affairs, restricting loving parents from doing any form of disciplining. Many do agree with such blanket restrictions. Interestingly, these same supporters of the state intervention would cry foul if there is speech censorship enforced by state governments…..a double standard that is downright ironic.

The world is heading for a sad state, if only people care. Now people can hide behind temporary insanity and kill…the law sanctions it. And so many people blame DNA….as if we cannot exercise choice to act with love and consideration…..Hmmmm….another irony, there are so many marches for Choice [we all know what these are] yet it is said some people cannot choose to restrain themselves from murder, destructive behaviours.

Just like children changing the rules of the game, in the midst of the game, whenever it suits their agenda so that they come out the winner, some adults still do it. Then again, who is the child and who is the adult?

Bones to pick…

A man was upset with another man for some evil thing that the latter did to him.
The man who did evil died…but the man who is upset had ‘bones’ to pick. So, he kept the dead man’s corpse next to him all the time so he can pick at it whenever he wants. He has a ‘victim’ mindset and held onto the corpse, though stinky, unhygienic, meaningless…

He could not let go of the past and so the corpse became a permanent fixture in his life. Wherever he goes, the rotting corpse goes. People around him cannot see the corpse but can smell the bad odour and stayed away from him. Others quarrel with him because they think he is weird. He started to be alienated. Success eludes him as such….he kept having to proof himself, at least he thinks he has to….that he is entitled to what the dead man took from him.

He found others who did the same as he. It is like misery attracts misery….all who have a smelling corpse with them became friends…they hung out together talking about the evil deeds of the rotting corpse….drank, ranted, taking revenge on every antagonist who dares to be in their way. In the process more corpses got collected.

After some time, the burden of carrying the corpses became weary and the man with the ‘victim’ mindset stop living a healthy lifestyle. Life emptied out on him. He makes decisions concerning and considering only the immediate….not at all interested in the future. Living in the moment of ‘now’ but with the corpses has extracted so much out of him that he has no more energy to think clearly and plan clearly for the future.

This 'man' and his 'friends' are amongst our family members and friends. We cannot ignore them…we have to help them if they want to be helped.

Ah aha from a lizard….

Am glad i can learn from a lizard…

I was walking up to my apartment when i noticed a lizard…common encounter..but..

I did not pay it any attention this time because I had a headache. Just then, I thought…if I had paid it any attention, the two of us will have a ‘i-frighten–you-and-you-frighten-me’ experience. I would anticipate its move and / or try to shoo it away..making it a clear ‘battle’ of sorts. However, when I did not look at it, I was not anticipating, and I was not engaged with its movement. The lizard will of course do what it does whether i see it or not.

So, it is with life, if i paid attention to the ‘antagonist’ we will both spar but if I do not pay the attention, I am moving on with life.

Thanks lizard for teaching me a lesson.

How we see life is how we treat it…

and how others treat us….

So it begins with us changing our own world view / paradigm….then we treat our life differently and others will also treat us differently.

In short, the onus is not on others to change, it is on us to change!

Being passionate gets one in trouble…

Those of us who are passionate about what we do tend also to be vocal and opinionated – it comes with the territory. All known historical leaders who had left an impact in humanity were not likely to be afraid of speaking up passionately, though their opinion might be proved wrong later.

Those of us who speak up passionately often step on someone’s tail inadvertently. All too often, that gets blown out of proportion and motives are attributed and matters get blown out of proportion. It is so easy to back off and be quiet, and find a corner and hide. Or try to use a pseudo-name or be anonymous, almost apologetic for having an opinion.

I choose to speak up, express my view even though it might offend someone. At least, I am true to myself. I do not believe in saying one thing with my mouth, but thinking another in my heart. I do not expect everyone to agree with me as I do not agree with everyone. I might speak passionately but that does not mean I do not have room to hear another’s opinion.

Neither is it an excuse to intentional offend people. Just live life passionately.

We measure and are measured by events instead of character and value..

I noticed with sadness that increasingly people measure and are measured by events /transactions instead of values and character.

Giving a person ‘benefit of the doubt’ may be a thing of the past. What does it mean to give someone a benefit of the doubt? Do you know?

To give someone benefit of the doubt is, in the midst of something bad, to decide on face value, recognizant of his or her character, instead of reading between the line, reading motive and intent. No matter how much the circumstances point to the guilt of the opposite party, I choose to not conclude so due to the character / values of that person.

Conversely, many people, increasingly more, conclude on motives and guilt based on an event / transaction. The event / transaction takes precedent over the values and character of the opposite party. The events / transactions seem to define a person’s future and worth.

It is very sad. People should be about values and character, not about performance, events, and transactions.

I stand guilty of that and apologise to all whom i have treated wrongly.

Behaviour versus performance…

In a high performance culture, people are very much driven by performance, measured by performance, and the mind is only focused on performance. To the point that one might measure one’s worth by one’s performance.

Yet, the more critical element is our attitude which in turn affects our behaviours. So often that is the most tangible and visible representation of us before the performance results show. We get judged by our attitude and behaviours – more significantly and for a longer time – than the results of our performance.

Two persons can do the same thing with equal competency, and achieve same results. But the one who does it with passion, joy and spirit of excellence will come across differently from the one who does it out of fear, resentment, or arrogance.

We all love to work with people with passion because that makes the office come alive. We may not like that person, but we know the office is not the same without such a person.

Steve Jobs was not liked as Senior but many chose to stay at Apple because they are inspired by him [from the book, Inside Steve’s Brain by Leander Kahney].

You know you have matured when you…

There has been much written about generation gaps with each new generation. I have also often opined on the subject but recently I see a different view on generational differences.

I believe every generation goes through the same awakening, challenges, sense of being misunderstood by previous generations, taken lightly, indulged or neglected, etc…. it is the same rite of passage. Of course world events are different, technology is different, economics and industry are different.

What hit me about the difference with each generation is really around the time of maturity. Let me explain.

[The following are broad brush statements.] Those from the veterans generation had to be mature around the age of 15-16 years due to the circumstances of the war, fathers being drafted, killed etc.

Those in baby boomers generation had to mature around late teens to 20ish due to the days of industrialisation and children had to adjust to parent’s hardship.

Those in Gen X would mature around mid 20s against their own backdrop of world events, family events, etc.

Gen Y does not need to mature if they do not want to. Many in their late 20s / early 30s are still not mature. Their parents are still paying their bills or shielding them from the consequences of bad decisions / bad behaviours.

What then is maturity?

It is when one takes up responsibilities for one’s own spending, own mistakes, and face own consequence [instead of parents or friends].

It is when one is willing to sacrifice immediate good for a future great. It is when one is willing to sacrifice one’s own joy for the sake of another.

It is when we can see our own mistakes first before pointing the finger at others.  It is when we do not complain about everything and exaggerate the situation like a 4-year old whose balloon burst.

We know we are mature when we do not fight everything in rebellion and contribute to a cause that we have no glory to claim from.

Given these are generalisations, there will be wonderful exceptions ….and i am glad there are.

Pioneer …

Nature Guide beating down a path on a hike in Mudumalai National Forest [July 2011]

 

 

When i was watching the nature guide opening up a less trodden, sometimes new path, using his parang [long knife], i was reminded of the role of a pioneer. A role i identify with.

He walks in front of everyone. He requires us to observe certain protocols for our own safety and for higher chance of success to view the creatures of the wild.

He listens, he looks at for cues left behind by the animals, he uses his nose to detect scent, he is fully concentrated to create success for the people under his charge. He takes his role very seriously.

He has to necessarily travel light to allow adept mobility. He therefore will get scratches and meet many occupational hazards unknown to others.

In the end, he has indeed created a path for another nature guide / forest ranger to tread on. That does not bother him.

A true pioneer is happy to open new paths.

Life Transformation – Turning Over A New Leaf …

In almost every conscious moment of a transformed life, there is typically an acknowledgement of error or a reckoning of need to change.

No mincing of words, no hedging, no positive psychology, no avoidance of negative words ….just a relentless focus to change course of direction.

Yet, in almost all change management attempts in organisations, there is a distinct effort to avoid using negative language, in accordance with the positive psychology movement.

There will be minimal transformation – just behavioural adjustments out of obligations, temporal adjustment at best. That explains why change management efforts are often unappreciated.

The proverbial ‘Let the child burn his finger and he will learn never to play with fire again’ has no element of positive psychology but it is the most effective change management and at minimal cost. It gets the job done.

Wisdom….

There are various explanations given for wisdom:

• “knowledge of what is true or right coupled with just judgment as to action; sagacity, discernment, or insight.”
• “the ability or result of an ability to think and act utilizing knowledge, experience, understanding, common sense, and insight”
• “accumulated knowledge, erudition, or enlightenment”

Wikipedia says

Wisdom is:

“..a deep understanding and realizing of people, things, events or situations, resulting in the ability to choose or act or inspire to consistently produce the optimum results with a minimum of time, energy or thought. It is the ability to optimally (effectively and efficiently) apply perceptions and knowledge and so produce the desired results. Wisdom is also the comprehension of what is true or right coupled with optimum judgment as to action.”

Discernment is:

“..the activity of determining the value of a certain subject or event. Typically, it is used to describe the activity of going past the mere perception of something, to making detailed judgments about that thing. As a virtue, a discerning individual is considered to possess wisdom, and be of good judgement; especially so with regard to subject matter often overlooked by others.”

Insight is:

“…

1. The capacity to discern the true nature of a situation; penetration.
2. The act or outcome of grasping the inward or hidden nature of things or of perceiving in an intuitive manner.

Answers.com says ‘insight’ is:

1. an instance of apprehending the true nature of a thing, especially through intuitive understanding: an insight into 18th-century life.
2. penetrating mental vision or discernment; faculty of seeing into inner character or underlying truth.

By the argument by proponents of relativity, there can be no knowledge, discernment, insights and discernment. After all, they argue ‘truth’ and ‘right’ is relative.

I think we must accept that there are some truths and rights and wrongs that are absolutes.

To my baby boomer friends who are parents …

I grew up with you, as a fellow baby boomer which means i know what it was like to grow up with the parenting skills of our parents. I would say, if you knew my context, i had a more difficult childhood then most of my peers.

Now, you are parents of children who are in the workforce. I am single but as an employer, i am the party hiring your children [metaphorically speaking].

Your ‘child’ is at our doorsteps ready to conquer the world with their greatly manicured intelligence [from when they were 6months old], strong disposition to ask questions and willingness to challenge established practices. All this, we do sincerely thank you because your child is great for innovation and growth.

Allow me to also share with you the challenges the work place faces because some of you did not do your job in instilling values and left that to the schools to do; the schools could not fulfil that responsibility because of strict laws prohibiting correction [also because of demands from parents].

However, most of you did not think it is important to ensure your child has humility, patience, pursue success that comes from hard work, respect of timeless virtues…. More damaging is that fact that you have over-inflated an unrealistic representation of the real world.

When we were freshies in our days [1980s], our compliant was that the schools never prepared us for our first job. Same complaint today.

The difference is that we knew what it was to learn quietly, gain our standing by toughing it out. Your children cannot handle criticism but are the first to criticise establishment. They crib about negativity yet they are bathed in the air of distrust. They want praises but yet they hardly give to those who guide and mentor them. They demand respect but ask them to show respect for those who had sweated before them, they ask why should they; they want this and that but employers cannot want this and that; they speak vocally and sometimes rather brashly yet they fall apart when the boss loses temper over bad behaviour.

If we honestly examined beyond the surface, we can see there is no level playing field. Today’s young adults grew up with parents [you] who are mostly absent, with guilt, and who tend to over-compensate with material bribes [you might call it something else]. You would praise your children even for nothing. Your children could manipulate you like puppets on a string and worse like a dog on a leash. [I respect those of you who are the exception.] You justify and rationalise and in the end you are the helpless one. You disconnect and focus on your own life instead. You are satisfied that you have created a wealth that can provide for all your children’s future needs, when you are gone.

They are no longer your challenge. They are now, ironically, facing your peers as their supervisors or bosses. The boss may have the same scenarios at home but at work he or she complains about the attitude of the young adults at work. As a non-parent watching behaviours at the home of friends, and those at work, all i can say is that it is somewhat humorous - full of dark humour.

The corporate world that did not use to have discipline issues typically faced by teachers in schools, is today dealing with [more incidences of] staff who do not respect the organisation’s code of conduct principles, who cannot or choose not to submit assignments on time with full completion, and who would not bat an eyelid to say ‘my computer ate my work’. There is a clear impression that a large number of young adults do not think twice about lying, taking information or work done by others without giving due credit to originator…..

The sad reality is that - should you stand on the side of your child ie continue to over-shelter him or her, when they are being corrected in the real world of career struggles, you are actually standing in the way of their future success and even their ability to withstand trials of life.

Already, no one can deny the young in today’s affluent world does not have the resilience / tenacity to face a pro-longed hardship. They tend to blame others or expect others to clean up after their messes .. They are too focused on their ‘rights’.

[as with all general observations there is the bell curve and much of what is shared above is within the bell curve and there are indeed exceptions that do not befit the discussion.  We are thankful for the young adults making the difference, being role models to their own peers. Thanks to you, their parents.]

Lost art of reflection…

Whatever the contributing factor, home, technology or culture …  the act of reflecting is slowly getting lost.

Much of life lessons are best learnt when we take time to reflect.

In public transport, almost everyone is using electronic gadgets to be ‘engaged’… a lot of engaged / busy people, with shallow maturity because few have time to think / reflect.

Our 5 senses are bombarded by stimuli every moment of our waking hours and intentionally by commercial entities till we are exhausted. But little by little our  ‘distended appetite’ crave for more, and more stimulation. A smiley, a blink, a sound effect, are no longer enough to excite us. We want more dazzling designs, more eye candies, more sensational music, more unusual sounds, mega experiences that bombard our eyes, ears, nose, hands, and even tongue.

But that part of our brain needing reflection and understanding for maturity, growth, wisdom is completely starved. Hardly anyone in public spaces / transportation, are deep in thought, silently pondering and reflecting anymore.

We must actively and deliberately reclaim the art of reflection …..before we become walking shallow beings.

Sadly, the art of reflection might turn into a class 101. The crazy trend to push everything into classes [selling the tag ‘education is the only solution’], and to get a piece of paper after that seem to be more important than the substance of the class and the value of the learning itself. Branding mongers add to that problem.

So watch out for a course on ‘Learn How to Reflect’.

Effort …. to change …

I had surprised myself this morning…woke up before sunrise [hahah, :) b’cos went to bed early]… so i took a walk to the beach, 15 minutes away from my home.

While watching the sun rise above the horizon, I also had a chance to view planes taking off [the airport is in the same direction]. On the south side, i was watching some men swimming in the water, with very choppy waters.

I also noticed some birds trying to fly.

The aeroplanes flying, the birds flying, and the men swimming all had something in common.

All 3 of the them – plane, bird and men – were creating motion or locomotion. The bird was trying to fly against the wind and it is not the type that rides the draft of the wind [eg sea gull, eagles], so it was flapping very hard. After a very short while, it kind of gave up and decided to fly with the wind.

The planes, we know have fuel and aerodynamic designs that help them to fly against gravity and wind etc.

This stretch of beach is not the most appropriate for swimming because Singapore is a deep water harbour. There are lots of tankers, vessels moored out in the middle of the ocean – still within sight from shore. [We are one of the world’s busiest ports, if not the top.]

So watching these mid-age men swimming got me thinking about their safety. The men – 2 of them were already swimming out there while another 3 started to join the 2 one at a time…like a convoy.

Interestingly, while i was distracted by the aeroplanes taking off on my left side, i was surprised that when I turned right, the 3rd man took a very very long time to reach the 1st 2 men. Then the 4th man took a very speedy moment to reach the same 2 men out there.

Eventually, both 3rd and 4th men made it out there almost together. The 4th man seemed to have glided through the water effortlessly [breaststroke] while the 3rd man swarm [freestyle].

That got me thinking why the 3rd man took so long. From my view a distance away, it felt like he swam painfully against the current and making minimal headway. It felt like he took forever to make very little headway. Whereas the 4th guy did it so fast.

So it is with our change journey. We either need the ‘fuel’ and / or aerodynamic design to assist us with speed or we need to swim very very hard in the opposite direction to overcome the ‘current’.

To go against the flow takes a lot of determination, guts, and relentless focus. The bird gave up but the men did not.

When petrol is free and unlimited …

Should one day, hypothetically, petrol became free and its supply is unlimited, most of us – at least those who drive – would start to drive aimlessly simply to enjoy the ‘freedom from cost’.

Some could be so caught up with the free petrol that they drive aimlessly for days / months. By the time they realised the ‘lost days’, they would get all upset.

The sad reality is that the ones who had not considered the consequence of wandering aimlessly, would also not likely take personal responsibility. They would blame the free petrol for the ‘lost time’ in their life.

After 16 months of operating an apprenticeship in India, with hindsight, I realised that offering 7 individuals with a bond-free scholarship seem to be the same as offering free petrol. Such opportunities – being paid to go through intensive training for a successful industry by a 30-year veteran – should, one would think, produce highly successful and grateful apprentices. I have 2 perhaps, out of the 7.

The remaining: one rudely cursed me for an error he made, one got angry for a single incident and disown the benefits taken and another gave silent treatment because i did something unexpected.

Whatever good is done – only 2 acknowledged post graduation. Others are sullen and petty.

In the end, actually if any of them excel, it would be for their own good, not mine.

So it is recorded in the bible, 10 lepers got healed only 1 went back to thank Christ.

A culture of appeasing….

I have been spending much time in India ….at least 7-10 days per month for last 14 months from which i notice some aspects of relational tendency [observations from a non Indian eyes]….

It is a culture given to ‘appeasing’ perhaps in part due to their appeasing the multitudes of gods and how they worship their gods, largely out of fear.

I noticed that as a mother consoles a sleepy cranky child, she ignores the kid’s tantrums, and lack of display of respect for her as a parent[respect is a big thing in Confucianism].

In the work place, staff tends to appease their bosses instead of respect them. There is a big contrast between appeasing and respect. Respect is to be given to all persons older to us and to all authorities, sometimes out of fear but simply because they deserve the respect. In the olden times, even when an elder person was extremely unreasonable, the younger were still expected to respect. Over time, myself included, this unconditional respect gets more and more eroded.

Appeasing has a strange side to it. It is driven largely by fear but more so unconsciously by family and country culture. As someone not conditioned by the same forces, being not from the culture, I noticed that the act of appeasing demonstrates itself very similarly to the act of respect until….

An example best illustrates it.

When a person appeases one authority when suddenly another authority shows up, he / she has to appease both authorities out of fear and auto-pilot conditioning.  However, familiarity with the former and not knowing the latter cause a paradigm struggle in the person. Appeasing of the unknown authority consumes the person’s limited attention bandwidth and the earlier authority figure is unconsciously accorded 2nd place. All rational behaviours get subjugated – it does not matter if rightful behaviour means the employer under whom the staff is still getting payroll should be the stakeholder to be consulted, not the potential client who may or may not be a future stakeholder.

It took me much agony and analysing to figure this out. When one appeases, one will unknowingly be trying to accumulate a ‘returns’ bank [of expectations]. When that equation is sustained, all things continue as bliss. The moment the equation is rocked, the expectations are not met, the same sweet person can become the most hurtful and rude person.

So appeasing is not a healthy trait. To borrow a trainee’s sharing…we have to ‘wipe people’s bottom’ to be seen or known. I said to the trainee, we should never do that because it is disrespecting oneself. I strongly believe in working illustriously, sincerely and always working to make our seniors / bosses successful.

The myth about praises …

Different people respond to ‘praises’ differently.

Children especially need and crave the praises. Watch them beam when they get the praises. However, it is not the verbal praises that contribute to the future success of the child. Nor is it the absence of praises that create future losers. Only when there is verbal abuse, or emotional abuse, physical abuse etc, damage occurs.

Examining the effect of presence and absence of praises, over a period of time in a few select individuals, myself included, I think the argument for praise might need some re-thinking.

I was raised on a famine of praises – getting the occasional ones but largely displaced by incessant criticisms, and abuses. I did have quite a fair bit of struggles throughout school and adulthood. But that did not stop me from having success. I am able to stand my ground today, confident in what i am doing, and helping others to do the same. In fact, I have the advantage of not being needy for praises and I do not fall apart when i do not get praises.

I have a friend of the same age raised in a nice warm loving family where Mom and Dad were always there. But she is always insecure and thrives on praises. She is also very fragile in that she cannot handle not being liked.

Then there is the contrast between generations.

Veterans and Baby Boomers generations were not raised on diet of praises [exceptions exist of course]. These folks made their way up the ranks from their 20s and are today top decision makers.

Gen X [in their 30s and 40s] had more praises than earlier generations and they are moving up the ranks.

Gen Y is raised by doting parents who praised them even for inappropriate behaviours. They are known to be narcissistic [always admiring themselves in the mirror]. As adults, they expect to receive praises as if it is their right to receive, like massage to their soul. They fall apart when the praises are not given. It is like they have addiction to praises. When given, they want more and more. Because they receive praises so easily and frequently, they take the praises for granted. Forget appreciation because it is their right. However, if it is not given frequently and continuously, they crumble easily, taking on almost a victim’s / martyr's complex.

So giving and taking praises have gotten complex all of a sudden.

One thing i learnt, the power of praises is not what it is touted to be. It is best not to seek human acknowledgement; certainly do not give it so much value for the person who praised you, can be the same person who chews you up. It is a sad reality today.

A true learner at heart….

A comedian says he faces humiliation every day – he learns to throw away items that do not work, uses the ones that work, and goes for the ones that every culture respond to.

Success is never guaranteed to anyone. But it is within nearer reach of the one who is less concerned about ego / pride, and more concerned about improving.

Like the toddler who suddenly learned he / she can stand up and move on 2s instead of 4s, then goes onto experience movement with lots of tumbles, bruises, and outright pain, never stopped till he /she walked, we adults must face failures / mistakes / humiliation with similar determination.

No toddler ever gave up even when the knocks get hard, no parents would allow the kid to give up.

So, learners, Learning Designers in the making, learn from the toddler. :) If you fall 100 times, pick up and walk again 100 times.

Reflection should always be about oneself…

Reflection time should bring out one’s own area of learning and area of improvement, not someone else’s.

The moment we focus on someone else, we have lost the purpose of reflection. We are often such experts of other people’s flaws that we forget to look at our own.

So the more we do self introspection, and be specialist of our own flaws, the more we will improve and find the space for success.

A good reminder from the bible [paraphased]:

“Why do you see the speck that is in another person’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?”

Some recent insights…the more

The more knowledge one acquires, the more one will be boastful.

The more effort to be attractive [and beautiful], the more lustful one will get.

The more money one amasses, the more insecure one becomes.

The more successful one gets, the more contentious one become.

Like King Solomon, who wrote his conclusion: vanity, vanity, vanity…, during times of reflection, I find many moments of futility.

No matter how good i may prepare a physical crown, i will have to hand it over to another person.

Indeed fear God and keep the spirit of excellence for God, not people, not organisations, not money.