Excessive dose of positive psychology leads to rudeness….irony

Recent events at various places, including at airports, showcase a very ironic and sad reality…

A 3 year-old child beating up his 6 year-old sibling and getting away with it; the same child hitting his Grandma and getting away with it. The mother in fact chided the older sibling. Her own mother [Grandma] tried to correct the younger tyrant but ended up being hit by the child but the child’s mom said nothing.

So it is not ok to discipline a child but it is ok for that child to hit others? What kind of logic is this? The sad reality is the one whom the parent does not discipline eventually becomes a possible problem to society. All the justification of positive psychology and soft touch for misbehaving kids merely reinforce rude behaviours. Positive psychology can create little monsters just as negative psychology. These little monsters, unfortunately, never grow out of their tantrums, manipulation, self centeredness and even lying. Unless the parents, who are the guardians appointed to guide them, consciously mould them to be civic minded individuals.

I see children yelling at their parents, showing no respect to them, beating them and the parents do nothing to correct that inappropriate behaviour. Some years down the road, these parents will wonder why they have lost the respect of their child.

I am thankful for those parents who do guide, like the one who told his 2 year-old not to yell at a restaurant where i was dinning. Daddy said “shh, do not disturb others who are eating.”

In quite a number of western states, there is no more separation between family and state. The authorities are poking their nose into family affairs, restricting loving parents from doing any form of disciplining. Many do agree with such blanket restrictions. Interestingly, these same supporters of the state intervention would cry foul if there is speech censorship enforced by state governments…..a double standard that is downright ironic.

The world is heading for a sad state, if only people care. Now people can hide behind temporary insanity and kill…the law sanctions it. And so many people blame DNA….as if we cannot exercise choice to act with love and consideration…..Hmmmm….another irony, there are so many marches for Choice [we all know what these are] yet it is said some people cannot choose to restrain themselves from murder, destructive behaviours.

Just like children changing the rules of the game, in the midst of the game, whenever it suits their agenda so that they come out the winner, some adults still do it. Then again, who is the child and who is the adult?

Best of the east and west…

I love the meeting of the minds in this China talk show where the two guests embrace the balance of discipline [fosters values] and empathy [fosters creativity].

I have copied the url for you view the programme yourself…
  http://cctv.cntv.cn/lm/crossover/homepage/index.shtml

Indeed parents owe it to their children to groom them to be considerate citizens / leaders of the next generation. Most parents of the affluent societies have equipped their children with wealth, with financial security, with education that builds confidence to express self and self preservation, but few have equipped their children to be considerate, others centric, service minded, or that the world is much larger than themselves…

I find very few of the young adults are prepared for the real world….sadly.

Irony of the current century…

Youth of yesteryears celebrate the coming of age at 13 and in many cultures it is still happening. By the way, that means assuming responsibility of a man or woman, accordingly.

Given that context, consider this:

• Youth today are sexually active around 12/13 years old
• More girls, at 15, get pregnant due to their own lifestyle [as opposed to being forced into child marriages]
• Most youth take decisions on abortion without need to get their parent’s approval
• These same youth spend their parent’s money and have no financial cares

These same youth enter the workforce as young adults with such an expansive experience and knowledge of sexual relationships but….

• they have no idea where they are heading in life
• they cannot discern the circumstances to decide the best course of action without being handheld
• they cannot remember the instructions given to them by their supervisors the day before
• they need specific instructions for every action needed
• they cannot withstand corrections at work
• they might think that time is unlimited or cash is unlimited
• they expect an organisation to change its policy or adjust its expectations so that the environment is tuned to their needs
• they expect that all things must be perfect for them to perform well
• they think they are doing the organisation a favour when they work

The list continues but you get the point. Yes, I will annoy many for generalising. Actually they do form a good part of the majority ….

[no offence intended, apologies if any taken]

Communication and its oddities…

We know when a person is angry, upset, unstable, not to engage them in conversation till they calm down…at least if we want to have sane conversation….. 

How is it then we do not do the same with children….why do we give immediate attention to a child when he or she is throwing tantrums, crying hysterically, trying to communicate in the midst of their sobs and yells…and we try either to pacify, or interpret, or yell back or force an issue?

[I am not referring to emergency or life and death incidents…where immediate attention should rightfully be given.]

The most appropriate response to a highly emotionally charged child is to let them chill out first.

Actually parents ought to tell their children way ahead of any incidences how they will handle highly emotional behaviour, to show the children that they have a clear thinking on handling such matters. That is whenever the children  behave very emotionally, Mom and Dad will not communicate or respond but will send them to the ‘restore corner’ [designated space for child to sit which must be the same exact spot and consistently practised] and only when they calm down, then communication will begin.

Parents, if you care for your children’s future, when you are no longer around or when they are not by your side, teach them how to contain their emotion, how to handle highly charged environment. If you shield them, if you fight on their behalf, you are living their life for them… so how does the following saying fit?

"teach me how to fish, instead of fishing for me…”

Success is not about methods, it is an attitude of the mind….

Those searching for methods, buying books, attending seminars to seek the secrets to Success will be upset with what i am saying here…..“there is not any!”

It is an attitude of the mind – cultivated by parents when we were growing up, if not then, by challenges throughout life’s journey.

Recently a dear friend told of her two young girls’ health challenges due to weather changes, dust and allergies. Sprightly ones who end up being inactive  because of breathing difficulties. But – a big but! Both young girls attended competitions, performances, sat for exams, ie. carried out their committed responsibilities even though they were not well. 

Mind you it is not because their parents are driving them to. Both young girls learnt the spirit of excellence when very young and they self motivate / self regulate well….they are overcomers and conquerors! Their parents did not force them to do things or insist that they must keep up with the Jones or pushed them to top everybody in school.

Instead, the girls have a strong internal mechanism that served them well…both are in the national upper rank in science / maths…[India]

A separate observation confirms the absence of secrets. I was asked to help with an oddity in MS Word doc formatting. After some fiddling i was able to resolve the oddity. I reflected on it…was i that much better than the person who asked? Actually, no I am not. The difference between us is that i am willing to experiment and through trial and error found the solution. This is another mark for success…a strong learning spirit.

Combine a spirit of excellence with perpetual learning mindset - that is a potent force for success.

Those who do not turn every experience into a learning experience, and let others solve the problems for them and those who do not have the internal mechanisms to self motivate / self regulate ….will end up paying too much money to seek that elusive secret.

Parents, i suggest you might want to focus on building / inculcating the need to self motivate / self regulate early in your children’s life. This would be the most essential investment you can ever make in your children because that mindset / attitude will help your children survive anything. Even if you leave behind house, insurance, money, etc…these things are temporal in that the house can be compounded by land authorities, the money is likely to be squandered [because they did not earn it so they won’t cherish it], etc.

I am grateful to my ever-loving Heavenly Father, that though i did not study how to be successful, He has given me life’s challenges [school of hard knocks] and a spirit of excellence and deep learning appetite….i will, with God’s help and His favour, have a path with hope and a future i know that is successful.

You know you have matured when you…

There has been much written about generation gaps with each new generation. I have also often opined on the subject but recently I see a different view on generational differences.

I believe every generation goes through the same awakening, challenges, sense of being misunderstood by previous generations, taken lightly, indulged or neglected, etc…. it is the same rite of passage. Of course world events are different, technology is different, economics and industry are different.

What hit me about the difference with each generation is really around the time of maturity. Let me explain.

[The following are broad brush statements.] Those from the veterans generation had to be mature around the age of 15-16 years due to the circumstances of the war, fathers being drafted, killed etc.

Those in baby boomers generation had to mature around late teens to 20ish due to the days of industrialisation and children had to adjust to parent’s hardship.

Those in Gen X would mature around mid 20s against their own backdrop of world events, family events, etc.

Gen Y does not need to mature if they do not want to. Many in their late 20s / early 30s are still not mature. Their parents are still paying their bills or shielding them from the consequences of bad decisions / bad behaviours.

What then is maturity?

It is when one takes up responsibilities for one’s own spending, own mistakes, and face own consequence [instead of parents or friends].

It is when one is willing to sacrifice immediate good for a future great. It is when one is willing to sacrifice one’s own joy for the sake of another.

It is when we can see our own mistakes first before pointing the finger at others.  It is when we do not complain about everything and exaggerate the situation like a 4-year old whose balloon burst.

We know we are mature when we do not fight everything in rebellion and contribute to a cause that we have no glory to claim from.

Given these are generalisations, there will be wonderful exceptions ….and i am glad there are.

Inter-generational differences …

All things said, every generation has its own version stereotyped characters – no unique ones.

So what is the difference? 2 major factors are different ie the parenting skill.s [mental paradigm of parents] and the technology

While the issues faced by most generations are more or less the same – Gen Y being no different, the big challenge with Gen Y is that they are all vocal and they tend to have shallow understanding – driven largely by the ‘i like’ / ‘i don’t like’ culture.

It is easier to create a herd behaviour without realising / anticipating / understanding the possible consequences. Such herd mentality is more dangerous then we know – as is often quoted ‘a little knowledge is dangerous’.

Ironically i seem to detect a strong element of fear in Gen Y, a fear within them regarding their destiny in an increasingly less ‘together’ world but there is no sign of fear when it comes to interacting with authority. Perhaps a little healthy fear of authority might help in removing the fear of the unknown.

Age old generational dispute …

The act of disrespect is seldom intentional…

Each generation has accused the next generation of disrespect for elders. So it continues with the current parent-child generation.

I was just pondering why so. Is it because each generation defines ‘respect’ differently? Should we allow for the definition to change over time?

Veterans generation were raised ‘not to be heard’ and Baby Boomers generation, my generation, were raised to not ‘talk back’. Gen X were raised ‘not to be silent’. Gen Y were raised to ‘question everything’. [broadly speaking]

I often watch at airports how younger children scream at their parents, slap them, talk rudely to them, command them, and more. I think such behaviours should be corrected – because it is not true that such behaviours would be automatically eventually disappear when the child grows older.

But parents [of Gen Y and younger] do not correct and instead appear to condone such behaviours by doing nothing – simply allowing / accepting. The young child will grow up into adulthood assuming it is ok to talk rudely and disrespectfully and obnoxiously. Such standards were never brought to their awareness. Sensitivity to cross generational norms appears to be absent.

So should values be necessarily intentional?  Often values are embedded within our way of life  …

For eg, when a Japanese bows, it is hardly that he or she purposely bow, rather it is their way of expression.

So when younger generation never got conditioned by their care givers / parents to be respectful to their seniors, they would not be aware that their behaviours are being disrespectful.

So when Baby Boomers expect behaviours consistent with respectfulness [the way they know how] instead they get behaviours consistent with rudeness, brashness, presumption, lack of consideration / etc, they conclude that Gen Y is disrespectful and the latter denies saying they are being the way there are.

So the battle of the generation continues, for one day Gen Y will say the same of the next generation. Or have they already….

To my baby boomer friends who are parents …

I grew up with you, as a fellow baby boomer which means i know what it was like to grow up with the parenting skills of our parents. I would say, if you knew my context, i had a more difficult childhood then most of my peers.

Now, you are parents of children who are in the workforce. I am single but as an employer, i am the party hiring your children [metaphorically speaking].

Your ‘child’ is at our doorsteps ready to conquer the world with their greatly manicured intelligence [from when they were 6months old], strong disposition to ask questions and willingness to challenge established practices. All this, we do sincerely thank you because your child is great for innovation and growth.

Allow me to also share with you the challenges the work place faces because some of you did not do your job in instilling values and left that to the schools to do; the schools could not fulfil that responsibility because of strict laws prohibiting correction [also because of demands from parents].

However, most of you did not think it is important to ensure your child has humility, patience, pursue success that comes from hard work, respect of timeless virtues…. More damaging is that fact that you have over-inflated an unrealistic representation of the real world.

When we were freshies in our days [1980s], our compliant was that the schools never prepared us for our first job. Same complaint today.

The difference is that we knew what it was to learn quietly, gain our standing by toughing it out. Your children cannot handle criticism but are the first to criticise establishment. They crib about negativity yet they are bathed in the air of distrust. They want praises but yet they hardly give to those who guide and mentor them. They demand respect but ask them to show respect for those who had sweated before them, they ask why should they; they want this and that but employers cannot want this and that; they speak vocally and sometimes rather brashly yet they fall apart when the boss loses temper over bad behaviour.

If we honestly examined beyond the surface, we can see there is no level playing field. Today’s young adults grew up with parents [you] who are mostly absent, with guilt, and who tend to over-compensate with material bribes [you might call it something else]. You would praise your children even for nothing. Your children could manipulate you like puppets on a string and worse like a dog on a leash. [I respect those of you who are the exception.] You justify and rationalise and in the end you are the helpless one. You disconnect and focus on your own life instead. You are satisfied that you have created a wealth that can provide for all your children’s future needs, when you are gone.

They are no longer your challenge. They are now, ironically, facing your peers as their supervisors or bosses. The boss may have the same scenarios at home but at work he or she complains about the attitude of the young adults at work. As a non-parent watching behaviours at the home of friends, and those at work, all i can say is that it is somewhat humorous - full of dark humour.

The corporate world that did not use to have discipline issues typically faced by teachers in schools, is today dealing with [more incidences of] staff who do not respect the organisation’s code of conduct principles, who cannot or choose not to submit assignments on time with full completion, and who would not bat an eyelid to say ‘my computer ate my work’. There is a clear impression that a large number of young adults do not think twice about lying, taking information or work done by others without giving due credit to originator…..

The sad reality is that - should you stand on the side of your child ie continue to over-shelter him or her, when they are being corrected in the real world of career struggles, you are actually standing in the way of their future success and even their ability to withstand trials of life.

Already, no one can deny the young in today’s affluent world does not have the resilience / tenacity to face a pro-longed hardship. They tend to blame others or expect others to clean up after their messes .. They are too focused on their ‘rights’.

[as with all general observations there is the bell curve and much of what is shared above is within the bell curve and there are indeed exceptions that do not befit the discussion.  We are thankful for the young adults making the difference, being role models to their own peers. Thanks to you, their parents.]

Public discipline….

Have you ever disciplined your child in the public? Or in the presence of other people? Or are you too concerned about ‘embarrassing your child’ since you knew how you felt when you were disciplined in the public?

I suppose we all have our own interpretations of what is acceptable and what is not. I happened to be one who had been disciplined in the public, wrongfully for that matter.

It was embarrassing for me at that time and my pride got hurt of course. Looking back, though, it prepared me to better handle public exchanges, in adulthood, so I will not be too overly fragile.

Conversely, I find that people who had never been corrected in the public because their parents shielded them from reality due to the parent’s own discomfort, are highly fragile if there were any public disagreements. Everyone around such individuals would have to be extremely conscientious not to say anything that might hurt the individual. Such individuals will eventually become isolated because of the  ‘high maintenance’.

Children know that the public space is where the battle of wills always get their opposition weakened. They know that most of the time they win. They will choose to act up in the public space because they know they have the upper hand.

So because of your own discomfort, you, the parent, have lost the battle even before it started and the self declared unrestrained victor become the possible ‘terror’ in schools, later in work places and communities.

Interestingly, i have not heard any children crying in my apartment complex and there are at least 3 of them under 5 and some from 5 to 12. I am wondering if it is because parents are making every effort, their housekeepers too, to prevent the children from having crying moments – scary thought.

A group of adults giving in to a bunch of kids, so that they laugh and are happy….such myopic view of parenting, dealing with immediate picture and ignoring the long term impact.

Parents you are responsible for the next generation’s contribution to the greater good of human kind. What is your legacy?

Generational trends…

Parents your eyes need to be set for 20 years down the road…not the education, not the material wealth or even the intellectual wealth of your child / children….

The mentality of scarcity is really what drives most parents in each generation to do what they do. However, with each generation the items that are perceived to be ‘scarce’ end up being the moderator of the next generation …or should i say moulder of the next generation.

Veterans Gen had minimal education opportunities, so they are especially driven to provide education and good future in employment for children, ie Boomers / Gen X.

Boomers had to content with post war scarcity of quality of love life, so they are driven to give their children love the way they did not get and also in the process, remove the authoritative structure and became more of a friend….to their children Gen X /Gen Y.

Gen X saw their parents gave their life to work and to companies and never had time. The perceived scarcity of personal time and freedom drove them to give indulgence to the children. They compensate for the slightest any error due to career demands [sense of guilt] and doted on their children with material things, expensive things, and due to their own inability to handle confrontations…seeing pain in the children as a major deterrent for any corrections. This gives rise to an over focus on intellect and material gain.

And the current generation Gen Y / Gen N…

We now have a generation that is so used to indulgence, being vocal, full of intellect, carrying an emotional vat filled with ‘me centered’ emotions, and lacking in maturity -cannot see past themselves in any matter.

The current young adults are not very conscious of their behaviours…not searching beyond the surface….deep introspection of self is almost a lost art or practice. Focus is largely external not internal.

So parents, regardless of your theory of scarcity, do you raise children to give to the world or do you raise children to take from the world. They can be a those who are set apart, that moves against the flow or be part of the main flow ….that is the big challenge for parents.

The children who know how to live life without the wealth of material things, being deeper in maturity, and wiser in handling oneself, not dependent on material comfort ie stronger in resilience, will survive a disaster much much more readily than their peers who have had material comfort all their life.

The world is heading for more disasters so which camp do you want your child to be in?

How would the children of Gen Y and N be like?

[I know I have made generalisations as in a bell curve. I know there are exceptions so this is not about the exception but about the majority. No offences intended.]

Modelling values…

Typically, when we receive a behaviour or value centric treatment which we like, we tend to want to adopt that behaviour. Well, typically, I say and that depends on the ‘we’.

Those who are raised on the importance of values will do that. However an entire generation or 2 have lost the identification with values. It is a means to an end. It is not as important as the gratification of getting something. There is a big cohort of young people who expects to be treated in the same way they were treated as indulgent children.

A small detour to illustrate the point:

I was at the ladies at the airport in Bangalore and there was a screaming boy. When i got to see the mother and son, i realised the boy was just screaming like a tyrant for nothing and his Mom did nothing at all [yes, she completely tuned it out]. I was thinking, oh no please not on the same flight. Ha ha, they were 2 rows in front of me. The same boy was screaming his lungs whenever he did not get what he wanted; and when he was belted for safety. All his mom did was the occasional ‘shhhh’. The rest of the world has to endure because the mother did not see her responsibility [no consideration for others] to teach the child to communicate without screaming and to let him know he is not king.

So the concept of modelling positive behaviours, setting examples showing others ‘do unto others as you would have them do unto you’ just have no stickiness.

In some ways i am perturbed and discouraged…how then will there be excellent Learning Designers in the newer generations. Their focus is almost mercenary…largely centered on effects, sounds, animation movement, and personal [instant] gratification.

Finding that gem becomes even more difficult and challenging in the midst of shallow understanding of values, superficial reflection of oneself, and almost too prideful view of oneself at an early age.

Parents……if you really care about your children’s holistic growth and their future potential, look beyond just the IQ of the child.

EQ, in a sense, is present because of the indulgent parenting skills.

Include MQ [=maturity quotient]. Otherwise, your children would be entering the workforce knowing a lot of information, having saturated ‘me’ emotion, and having a maturity level stunted at 5 years.

Making decisions is a natural for them [since they decide on clothes and food at 2 years old], but they have no idea of the consequences they are creating because all too often they were never raised to experience the consequences of their own choices.

Something new for me…..

I have observed extensively, as Aunty, about how children use their emotion, will power and manipulation to get their way. Most are very dramatic, ie with emotionally charged outbursts, leaving parents completely at their mercy.

In the last few days, I had observed a different scenario with a kid whose Daddy is a friend of mine, who paid me a visit in Singapore. This is a first time for me to witness such a different scenario and my mind is completely fascinated by it.

The young boy was very clear what he wanted, and he did not forget …a strong willed behaviour …he reminded me every ten minutes that he wanted his balloon. He repeatedly asked every 5-10 minutes and maybe with about half hour in between when he was distracted, he continued to ask. What is interesting is that he was persistent [strong willed, I would say] but he was not emotional. He had a couple of grunts, whined somewhat, but there was no long and drawn battles. He did not throw any tantrums [complete praises to the parents].

That got me thinking that strong will is not directly linked to temper ie one can be strong willed without throwing a fit. That is a precious discovery for me….

I am happy to be surprised by this…

Parenting, conditioning, influencing and values….

Recently a Korean couple was so addicted to a computer game that they had forgotten their real baby who died from starvation…The irony is that the theme of the game was about ‘parenting’.

So it begs the question, ‘did the simulated content fail?’ 

Simulation in itself is not the solution – behavioural change must be anchored by values. Values must be anchored by childhood and family experiences.

Watching a Mom at a bus stop all too absorbed with her own struggles, lost in her world, and her over-weight son chewing on a big chunk of what looks like ‘ham from the can’ made me wonder what values will her child grow up with.

Too many ‘parents’ [Gen Y and younger] are too absorbed in their own goals. Even what they do for their children is part of that goal [‘I do this for you so that you can have a better life than I did growing up’]. 

If it is at all possible to make an apple to apple comparison, I ponder about a child who is given all the right attention that builds him up, emotionally, spiritually, psychologically and lacking the intellectual bit. Compare him to another child who is given everything intellectual in stimulation but lacks the parental love, presence, affirmation and so poor in emotional and psychological / spiritual feeding. And, some years down the road, the one without the intellectual stimulation would be confident and would have the strength to face hardship [b’cos of his parent’s investment to his total being] – he would excel whenever the opportunity avail itself.

The other kid, several years down the road, would have the intellectual capacity to take on great lead roles in the corporate / education world. But when hardship strikes, this person could only resort to play politics, and ‘kill or be killed’ tactics.

I am not too sure but I would think the above 2 scenarios are mutually exclusive ie few would have both scenarios.

If i could influence any parents, I would say err on the side of healthy love. The world needs more people who are confident, loving and considerate individuals….

What do you think? The child who still sits on a pram / stroller at age 4 – what kind of effect would that be on his future? At what age should a child be off the stroller? Is there a co-relationship between the age of leaving that cushiony, sheltered, parent dependent stroller and the future mindset of that child?

Praises and criticisms….

I discovered something interesting as I mulled over some recent events.

Taking myself back to my own earlier days, [many moons ago], I was stuck in the same paradigm then. My thought framework then would not allow me to accept praises, much less to store praises in my long term memory. Though secretly, I cherish it. It was like a bottomless pit with an insatiable appetite, I simply wanted more and more but ironically not appreciating that which had already been given.

The opposite is also true. Any criticism [no matter how small or even constructive ones] became magnified and would constantly and deeply overshadow all things rosy.

So, I am now interacting with a group of individuals struggling with the same thought framework. They have a hard time remembering the praises given to them but can only remember the criticisms and all things negative.

That got me thinking why is this so? Then comes my theory…..

Those whose native language is ‘praise’ will recognise the ‘praise’ language I used and will delight in having that communication and we will go on for long to create beautiful memories together.

Those whose native language is ‘insecurity’ will not recognise the language ‘praise’ and will stay out of communication until they recognise the language they know – that of ‘attack’. The moment the berating, the negative feedback is used, those with command of the ‘insecurity’ language will suddenly recognise and respond, the memory recorder will go at top speed. They will log every word that has negative impact to the degree that the foreign language of ‘praise’ is completely forgotten.

That is my theory, of course i can be wrong. My only solace is people do change because I know I have.
When they have learnt the language of praise, they will recognise the words of praise…….

Another plane story….

I guess the stories do get old if the theme is the same [oops, sorry, another plane story]….

I was assigned a seat [no choice cos it was a budget airline and it was a fairly full flight] next to mother and 2+ year old child. Within a short moment, I realised i needed to locate another seat. The little girl was kicking me, and fussing etc.

Not wanting to offend the Mom, I spoke to the Chinese-looking air steward in mandarin ‘is there a seat I can move to?’ The reply surprised me. He said ‘I don’t speak Chinese.’ After he walked away and while i was still trying to get over that unexpected ‘disconnect’, a voice from across the aisle spoke to me in Mandarin ‘That is odd, he does not speak Mandarin, I do.’ The gentleman is Indian!

He and his wife [Malaysian Indian and Singaporean Chinese] were returning to Singapore from Cochin. We chatted briefly in Mandarin. We were trying to guess steward C.K.’s identity since he looked Chinese and has accent that did not befit a Korean.

That is the reality of a global world…..

Back to the child, Priya. As is the usual experience, the mother lost control of the child over the use of seat belt. The stewardess / steward had to intevene just before take off and just before landing. The little one fought hard with screams, and tears. This Aunty thinks a smack on the bottom would have caused the same ruckus but produce a more effective compliance to the use of seat belt. Of course, that means Mom would have the same authority at home. I was wondering if Moms prepare their children for flights ie explain what is needed, and drill them through the process, and have children all ready. Fellow passengers would have more peace. Ah well, how many parents care about the fellow passengers. They can't hardly manage their own responsibility as parents.

Sigh, there are more children flying and there are more untameable children onboard planes .....that is the reality of life.

Salute to parents who do the extras to help their children be responsible & considerate people, and future neighbours, colleagues, friends, and spouses.....

Montessori or traditional for the tots…..

Whether you stand for or against the two extreme ends of spectrum – the traditional vs play [Montessori] camps, the argument is flawed.

Whether young tots should go to centres that teach them the ‘A, B, and C’s or go to those who advocate play eventually the focus is on the wrong place.

The point is the means vs the ends, the channel or the destination. Is the experience or the journey [ie the means] more important than the destination? Or vice versa?

‘Play’ is not the destination neither is the ‘traditional drill and practice approach’. The supposed ‘destination’ must be the wholesome health of the child as he or she grows into adulthood.
So, whichever the approach/ means / experience, the argument will never end and the means cannot prove the ‘final state.’

Play is fine, serious learning is also fine….

The screaming child on the flight…

I do empathise with the parents of the screaming child though if they were reading this blog, they might think not.

The moment we boarded the plane, the child [prob under 2 years] was screaming, with intermittent breaks. The business class folks must be quite annoyed b’cos the baby’s screams were just behind their section. They would have heard it louder than those in back of plane.

The toddler refused to sleep and did not give her parents rest. Her screams were really unbearably loud and she has quite some lungs.

Both Mom and Dad could not contain her. Just the thought made me cringe. How can a less-than-2 year old be more in control than the combined 50 [or 60] some years of Mom and Dad?
All I could hear occasionally was Mom’s ‘no’ or ‘shshhshhh’. Dad was essentially quiet, except for a word here and there directed at Mommy.

As most of you know, I would start to think about parenting.

In the business world, if we keep on doing the same thing over and over, yet produce no results, either we or our boss would require us to abandon the approach or change strategy. If we do not, in fact, we might lose our jobs.

Oddly in parenting, young parents would do the same exact thing over and over again, even though they know there is no effectiveness.

Like a Mom [and Dad] who merely ‘talked’ to a strong willed child [‘no’s and ‘shhhshhh’] though they know ‘talking’ is not what the child responds to. They just would not try something different. They know there is no alternative method except a spank. In this case, doing something different may be more effective than doing the talk talk talk to no avail.

One good spanking would get the child screaming till she tires out and sleeps.

Ah well, the current parent generation who believes in being friends rather than authority, is not aware an entire flight was kept awake with their out-of-control child, or someone who has a horrible headache in a public area, could find no rest because some kid got out of hands.

I watched today a young Mom with 4 boys [15 months, 3 years, 5 and 6 years old thereabouts] – all of whom are super active. I empathise with poor Mom. She hardly could sit still for 10 or mins before one of the boys would need her attention.

I think, as a non parent, some might say I am being too naive. But then again, I have seen very well behaving kids because their parents took interests in their overall development, not just intellectual needs.
So, beyond friendship, parents owe their children a lot more…there should be sacrifice of personal convenience or desires / wants, direction, modelling respect for authority, being firm etc….

Is restraint the opposite of freedom?

Often the airport is a place that gets me thinking about parenting. I get to observe the children who behave like slave master and the parents behaving like slaves.

I know as a single, my view is limited. I would accept that as true. However, as Aunty, I am privileged to observe many examples across the world, culture and circumstances. My sharing is from a composite view of all my observations.

I watch the children; I notice the absence of restraints. Kids do not naturally have the instinct to restrain. In fact the opposite is true – the instinct to act up / act out / dramatise everything to get attention. After all, ‘attention’ is a rare commodity these days.

Is restraint such a bad thing? The absence of restraint makes the world a less nice place to live in. At the metro today, I was watching a Mom who kind of ignored her daughter while devoting her time to her younger son. The girl sprawl herself across a few seats, and was in her own space. At some point, she behaved like a bully. There was no understanding of restraint.

To live as responsible citizens in a metropolis, we all must practice restraint. We all know too well what is the consequence of lack of restraint.

I truly believe children who have been raised with exposure to restraint will have a more successful future than those who have not. They will thank their parents for the discipline that comes from restraint.

Does restraint remove freedom? Ask those who are in the 70s.

Individualism and relativism, a potent pair - updated

Take a look at those who are active contributors to society whether in service or in donations. And then take a look at those who destroy communities or those who alienate themselves from communities.

I believe a very clear profile would surface. [sorry, profiling seems to be a bad word these days]

When Individualism and Relativism come together, it is like mixing acids and bases (alkalis) such as ammonia and bleach.

Like a potent cocktail, there is little room for tolerance when transacting spaces collide.

To accept that all is correct [relativism], so nothing is wrong……Then it is saying the reverse is wrong, duh!

Relativism has no paradigm for ‘wrong’ since it is ‘to each his own’ – very enlightened precept!

On the other hand, individualism, to the degree of narcissism, make common space difficult to navigate. When countries take on a ‘don’t tell me what to do’ and ‘we will do what we like’ including oppression of its citizens, killing the innocents by using them as human shields, using / manipulating their own citizens to accomplish ideology agendas, there is no common space for the international community.

Similarly, when an individual chooses to isolate, chase after ideology that divides and destroys, where is the common space with fellow human beings?

Then relativism explains that such individuals must decide what is best for them because what is right for them is right for them because to say ‘wrong’ is not acceptable in the doctrines of relativism. So, we can only have intellectual commentary after the acts of violence have been committed.

Even then we must be especially ‘politically correct’ when commenting on acts of violence and destruction [inclusive of killing babies in the name of convenience, liberty, and personal agendas] making sure we do not step on sensitivities.

The world is horrified by the destructions caused by physical landmines and much publicity, effort and money have been [rightfully] poured into destroying these landmines.

Ironically, there are so many psychological landmines, emotional landmines and ideological landmines planted across the globe, where fear is now driving nations with deep history to change their nationhood, their national identity, their heritage which they should be proud of and sadly, to deny their history.

If there is such a thing, founding fathers would be turning in their graves.

We, Singaporeans, know better than to deny our history, heritage or how we started as a tiny fishing village and come such as long way to be today’s shining star. While we invite new citizens from the world, we must not forget where we came from and we must not change our identify to accommodate the sensitivity of the few.

My home is always open for guests. I have had guest who stayed as long as 6 months. Even when a guest chooses to rent a room, there is only so much a guest / rentee can do - like dictate how I should run my household. The moment they insist that i have to re-arrange my furniture, change my daily schedule, tell me what I can or cannot do, in my own home, I will show them the door.

Countries have founders and families have ancestry – their history should never be denied.