Best of the east and west…

I love the meeting of the minds in this China talk show where the two guests embrace the balance of discipline [fosters values] and empathy [fosters creativity].

I have copied the url for you view the programme yourself…
  http://cctv.cntv.cn/lm/crossover/homepage/index.shtml

Indeed parents owe it to their children to groom them to be considerate citizens / leaders of the next generation. Most parents of the affluent societies have equipped their children with wealth, with financial security, with education that builds confidence to express self and self preservation, but few have equipped their children to be considerate, others centric, service minded, or that the world is much larger than themselves…

I find very few of the young adults are prepared for the real world….sadly.

Ah aha from a lizard….

Am glad i can learn from a lizard…

I was walking up to my apartment when i noticed a lizard…common encounter..but..

I did not pay it any attention this time because I had a headache. Just then, I thought…if I had paid it any attention, the two of us will have a ‘i-frighten–you-and-you-frighten-me’ experience. I would anticipate its move and / or try to shoo it away..making it a clear ‘battle’ of sorts. However, when I did not look at it, I was not anticipating, and I was not engaged with its movement. The lizard will of course do what it does whether i see it or not.

So, it is with life, if i paid attention to the ‘antagonist’ we will both spar but if I do not pay the attention, I am moving on with life.

Thanks lizard for teaching me a lesson.

Why does one get bitter….

I believe that when God comes, He will bring to light the things hidden in the darkness and disclose the motives of men’s hearts. Each man will receive his or her praise directly from God himself.

As such, we are not to go on passing judgement before the time but wait until the Lord comes…

I believe if we do not pass judgement on others, we will not have bitterness within. If we do pass judgement we are in essence playing God. A nasty effect of playing God is the production of ‘toxins’ within our spirit person…leading to bitterness…

instead of helping the situation by passing judgement, we actually end up building a wall of bitterness.

So if we do away with blame, passing judgement, and self righteousness, bitterness will not find any nutrients from which to grow.

How we see life is how we treat it…

and how others treat us….

So it begins with us changing our own world view / paradigm….then we treat our life differently and others will also treat us differently.

In short, the onus is not on others to change, it is on us to change!

Being passionate gets one in trouble…

Those of us who are passionate about what we do tend also to be vocal and opinionated – it comes with the territory. All known historical leaders who had left an impact in humanity were not likely to be afraid of speaking up passionately, though their opinion might be proved wrong later.

Those of us who speak up passionately often step on someone’s tail inadvertently. All too often, that gets blown out of proportion and motives are attributed and matters get blown out of proportion. It is so easy to back off and be quiet, and find a corner and hide. Or try to use a pseudo-name or be anonymous, almost apologetic for having an opinion.

I choose to speak up, express my view even though it might offend someone. At least, I am true to myself. I do not believe in saying one thing with my mouth, but thinking another in my heart. I do not expect everyone to agree with me as I do not agree with everyone. I might speak passionately but that does not mean I do not have room to hear another’s opinion.

Neither is it an excuse to intentional offend people. Just live life passionately.

We measure and are measured by events instead of character and value..

I noticed with sadness that increasingly people measure and are measured by events /transactions instead of values and character.

Giving a person ‘benefit of the doubt’ may be a thing of the past. What does it mean to give someone a benefit of the doubt? Do you know?

To give someone benefit of the doubt is, in the midst of something bad, to decide on face value, recognizant of his or her character, instead of reading between the line, reading motive and intent. No matter how much the circumstances point to the guilt of the opposite party, I choose to not conclude so due to the character / values of that person.

Conversely, many people, increasingly more, conclude on motives and guilt based on an event / transaction. The event / transaction takes precedent over the values and character of the opposite party. The events / transactions seem to define a person’s future and worth.

It is very sad. People should be about values and character, not about performance, events, and transactions.

I stand guilty of that and apologise to all whom i have treated wrongly.

Behaviour versus performance…

In a high performance culture, people are very much driven by performance, measured by performance, and the mind is only focused on performance. To the point that one might measure one’s worth by one’s performance.

Yet, the more critical element is our attitude which in turn affects our behaviours. So often that is the most tangible and visible representation of us before the performance results show. We get judged by our attitude and behaviours – more significantly and for a longer time – than the results of our performance.

Two persons can do the same thing with equal competency, and achieve same results. But the one who does it with passion, joy and spirit of excellence will come across differently from the one who does it out of fear, resentment, or arrogance.

We all love to work with people with passion because that makes the office come alive. We may not like that person, but we know the office is not the same without such a person.

Steve Jobs was not liked as Senior but many chose to stay at Apple because they are inspired by him [from the book, Inside Steve’s Brain by Leander Kahney].

You know you have matured when you…

There has been much written about generation gaps with each new generation. I have also often opined on the subject but recently I see a different view on generational differences.

I believe every generation goes through the same awakening, challenges, sense of being misunderstood by previous generations, taken lightly, indulged or neglected, etc…. it is the same rite of passage. Of course world events are different, technology is different, economics and industry are different.

What hit me about the difference with each generation is really around the time of maturity. Let me explain.

[The following are broad brush statements.] Those from the veterans generation had to be mature around the age of 15-16 years due to the circumstances of the war, fathers being drafted, killed etc.

Those in baby boomers generation had to mature around late teens to 20ish due to the days of industrialisation and children had to adjust to parent’s hardship.

Those in Gen X would mature around mid 20s against their own backdrop of world events, family events, etc.

Gen Y does not need to mature if they do not want to. Many in their late 20s / early 30s are still not mature. Their parents are still paying their bills or shielding them from the consequences of bad decisions / bad behaviours.

What then is maturity?

It is when one takes up responsibilities for one’s own spending, own mistakes, and face own consequence [instead of parents or friends].

It is when one is willing to sacrifice immediate good for a future great. It is when one is willing to sacrifice one’s own joy for the sake of another.

It is when we can see our own mistakes first before pointing the finger at others.  It is when we do not complain about everything and exaggerate the situation like a 4-year old whose balloon burst.

We know we are mature when we do not fight everything in rebellion and contribute to a cause that we have no glory to claim from.

Given these are generalisations, there will be wonderful exceptions ….and i am glad there are.

Inter-generational differences …

All things said, every generation has its own version stereotyped characters – no unique ones.

So what is the difference? 2 major factors are different ie the parenting skill.s [mental paradigm of parents] and the technology

While the issues faced by most generations are more or less the same – Gen Y being no different, the big challenge with Gen Y is that they are all vocal and they tend to have shallow understanding – driven largely by the ‘i like’ / ‘i don’t like’ culture.

It is easier to create a herd behaviour without realising / anticipating / understanding the possible consequences. Such herd mentality is more dangerous then we know – as is often quoted ‘a little knowledge is dangerous’.

Ironically i seem to detect a strong element of fear in Gen Y, a fear within them regarding their destiny in an increasingly less ‘together’ world but there is no sign of fear when it comes to interacting with authority. Perhaps a little healthy fear of authority might help in removing the fear of the unknown.

Age old generational dispute …

The act of disrespect is seldom intentional…

Each generation has accused the next generation of disrespect for elders. So it continues with the current parent-child generation.

I was just pondering why so. Is it because each generation defines ‘respect’ differently? Should we allow for the definition to change over time?

Veterans generation were raised ‘not to be heard’ and Baby Boomers generation, my generation, were raised to not ‘talk back’. Gen X were raised ‘not to be silent’. Gen Y were raised to ‘question everything’. [broadly speaking]

I often watch at airports how younger children scream at their parents, slap them, talk rudely to them, command them, and more. I think such behaviours should be corrected – because it is not true that such behaviours would be automatically eventually disappear when the child grows older.

But parents [of Gen Y and younger] do not correct and instead appear to condone such behaviours by doing nothing – simply allowing / accepting. The young child will grow up into adulthood assuming it is ok to talk rudely and disrespectfully and obnoxiously. Such standards were never brought to their awareness. Sensitivity to cross generational norms appears to be absent.

So should values be necessarily intentional?  Often values are embedded within our way of life  …

For eg, when a Japanese bows, it is hardly that he or she purposely bow, rather it is their way of expression.

So when younger generation never got conditioned by their care givers / parents to be respectful to their seniors, they would not be aware that their behaviours are being disrespectful.

So when Baby Boomers expect behaviours consistent with respectfulness [the way they know how] instead they get behaviours consistent with rudeness, brashness, presumption, lack of consideration / etc, they conclude that Gen Y is disrespectful and the latter denies saying they are being the way there are.

So the battle of the generation continues, for one day Gen Y will say the same of the next generation. Or have they already….

To my baby boomer friends who are parents …

I grew up with you, as a fellow baby boomer which means i know what it was like to grow up with the parenting skills of our parents. I would say, if you knew my context, i had a more difficult childhood then most of my peers.

Now, you are parents of children who are in the workforce. I am single but as an employer, i am the party hiring your children [metaphorically speaking].

Your ‘child’ is at our doorsteps ready to conquer the world with their greatly manicured intelligence [from when they were 6months old], strong disposition to ask questions and willingness to challenge established practices. All this, we do sincerely thank you because your child is great for innovation and growth.

Allow me to also share with you the challenges the work place faces because some of you did not do your job in instilling values and left that to the schools to do; the schools could not fulfil that responsibility because of strict laws prohibiting correction [also because of demands from parents].

However, most of you did not think it is important to ensure your child has humility, patience, pursue success that comes from hard work, respect of timeless virtues…. More damaging is that fact that you have over-inflated an unrealistic representation of the real world.

When we were freshies in our days [1980s], our compliant was that the schools never prepared us for our first job. Same complaint today.

The difference is that we knew what it was to learn quietly, gain our standing by toughing it out. Your children cannot handle criticism but are the first to criticise establishment. They crib about negativity yet they are bathed in the air of distrust. They want praises but yet they hardly give to those who guide and mentor them. They demand respect but ask them to show respect for those who had sweated before them, they ask why should they; they want this and that but employers cannot want this and that; they speak vocally and sometimes rather brashly yet they fall apart when the boss loses temper over bad behaviour.

If we honestly examined beyond the surface, we can see there is no level playing field. Today’s young adults grew up with parents [you] who are mostly absent, with guilt, and who tend to over-compensate with material bribes [you might call it something else]. You would praise your children even for nothing. Your children could manipulate you like puppets on a string and worse like a dog on a leash. [I respect those of you who are the exception.] You justify and rationalise and in the end you are the helpless one. You disconnect and focus on your own life instead. You are satisfied that you have created a wealth that can provide for all your children’s future needs, when you are gone.

They are no longer your challenge. They are now, ironically, facing your peers as their supervisors or bosses. The boss may have the same scenarios at home but at work he or she complains about the attitude of the young adults at work. As a non-parent watching behaviours at the home of friends, and those at work, all i can say is that it is somewhat humorous - full of dark humour.

The corporate world that did not use to have discipline issues typically faced by teachers in schools, is today dealing with [more incidences of] staff who do not respect the organisation’s code of conduct principles, who cannot or choose not to submit assignments on time with full completion, and who would not bat an eyelid to say ‘my computer ate my work’. There is a clear impression that a large number of young adults do not think twice about lying, taking information or work done by others without giving due credit to originator…..

The sad reality is that - should you stand on the side of your child ie continue to over-shelter him or her, when they are being corrected in the real world of career struggles, you are actually standing in the way of their future success and even their ability to withstand trials of life.

Already, no one can deny the young in today’s affluent world does not have the resilience / tenacity to face a pro-longed hardship. They tend to blame others or expect others to clean up after their messes .. They are too focused on their ‘rights’.

[as with all general observations there is the bell curve and much of what is shared above is within the bell curve and there are indeed exceptions that do not befit the discussion.  We are thankful for the young adults making the difference, being role models to their own peers. Thanks to you, their parents.]

Gen Y and consistency …

Some time ago i had blogged about why children seemed to be so quick with computers compared to adults…I had mentioned the key ingredient being ‘consistency’ in stimulus-response which children need / like.

I have been pondering about the struggles Gen Y and their employers have over some performance related issues.

It appears where consistency is present, Gen Y excels, ie tell them exactly what to do and they know the exact response, anticipate the positive feedback to follow, they are happy and excel. However, minus the consistency, they start to flounder a little, and become unsure and eventually stressed and choose not to put up with the inconsistencies.

They are so used to consistency [all the electronic gadgets], so to what degree can organisations ensure consistency in everything?

But life is seldom all consistent. Part of the real world is the inconsistencies which schools / colleges never prepared us for.

When petrol is free and unlimited …

Should one day, hypothetically, petrol became free and its supply is unlimited, most of us – at least those who drive – would start to drive aimlessly simply to enjoy the ‘freedom from cost’.

Some could be so caught up with the free petrol that they drive aimlessly for days / months. By the time they realised the ‘lost days’, they would get all upset.

The sad reality is that the ones who had not considered the consequence of wandering aimlessly, would also not likely take personal responsibility. They would blame the free petrol for the ‘lost time’ in their life.

After 16 months of operating an apprenticeship in India, with hindsight, I realised that offering 7 individuals with a bond-free scholarship seem to be the same as offering free petrol. Such opportunities – being paid to go through intensive training for a successful industry by a 30-year veteran – should, one would think, produce highly successful and grateful apprentices. I have 2 perhaps, out of the 7.

The remaining: one rudely cursed me for an error he made, one got angry for a single incident and disown the benefits taken and another gave silent treatment because i did something unexpected.

Whatever good is done – only 2 acknowledged post graduation. Others are sullen and petty.

In the end, actually if any of them excel, it would be for their own good, not mine.

So it is recorded in the bible, 10 lepers got healed only 1 went back to thank Christ.

A culture of appeasing….

I have been spending much time in India ….at least 7-10 days per month for last 14 months from which i notice some aspects of relational tendency [observations from a non Indian eyes]….

It is a culture given to ‘appeasing’ perhaps in part due to their appeasing the multitudes of gods and how they worship their gods, largely out of fear.

I noticed that as a mother consoles a sleepy cranky child, she ignores the kid’s tantrums, and lack of display of respect for her as a parent[respect is a big thing in Confucianism].

In the work place, staff tends to appease their bosses instead of respect them. There is a big contrast between appeasing and respect. Respect is to be given to all persons older to us and to all authorities, sometimes out of fear but simply because they deserve the respect. In the olden times, even when an elder person was extremely unreasonable, the younger were still expected to respect. Over time, myself included, this unconditional respect gets more and more eroded.

Appeasing has a strange side to it. It is driven largely by fear but more so unconsciously by family and country culture. As someone not conditioned by the same forces, being not from the culture, I noticed that the act of appeasing demonstrates itself very similarly to the act of respect until….

An example best illustrates it.

When a person appeases one authority when suddenly another authority shows up, he / she has to appease both authorities out of fear and auto-pilot conditioning.  However, familiarity with the former and not knowing the latter cause a paradigm struggle in the person. Appeasing of the unknown authority consumes the person’s limited attention bandwidth and the earlier authority figure is unconsciously accorded 2nd place. All rational behaviours get subjugated – it does not matter if rightful behaviour means the employer under whom the staff is still getting payroll should be the stakeholder to be consulted, not the potential client who may or may not be a future stakeholder.

It took me much agony and analysing to figure this out. When one appeases, one will unknowingly be trying to accumulate a ‘returns’ bank [of expectations]. When that equation is sustained, all things continue as bliss. The moment the equation is rocked, the expectations are not met, the same sweet person can become the most hurtful and rude person.

So appeasing is not a healthy trait. To borrow a trainee’s sharing…we have to ‘wipe people’s bottom’ to be seen or known. I said to the trainee, we should never do that because it is disrespecting oneself. I strongly believe in working illustriously, sincerely and always working to make our seniors / bosses successful.

Outsourcing our life

Do we put the load of our life journey onto others....outsource it to them...and therefore allow external circumstances far more power than they truly have?

Our happiness has become a commodity. This was the lament of a mother / teacher in a grade school in Bangalore. Increasingly, each new generation sees everything as commodity. Everyone accepts food, clothing, vehicles, and the like as commodity. About 10-15 years ago, Education also became a commodity because people started to pursue the paper rather than knowledge acquisition, and the maturing while learning.

It seems now happiness has also become a commodity. Since it is treated as commodity, it can be ‘traded’. Relationships are also traded as commodity. Who knows what next! Our identity?

For those of us who treat happiness / relationships as commodities - something to be traded - it is no surprise then that we will also outsource it. We expect that some external parties are responsible for our happiness and we blame them whenever we are not happy.

Strange as it may sound to read it like that, but it is so prevalent amongst the young adults. I really hope for their sake that they wake up soon enough to the fact that education  / relationships / happiness are not commodities that are meant for trading. It is their own journey, their own script, their own decisions, their own maturity, and their own responsibility that will etch their future for them.

Are you outsourcing your life?

People think that telling the truth will cost them when in reality it is telling the lie that cost them…

Dealing with delinquent employees is a big headache for all employers across the world. I have my fair share of pains with the experience in India. One might say i am a foreigner so I am not equipped or that i am prejudiced.

Interestingly, several Indian employers were pouring their woes to me too. Out of those conversations, one common factor became apparent. It appears that employees expect that their employers are not interested in their welfare and will not wish the best for them. Hence employees think it is necessary to lie to avoid any cost to them.

An employer told me that her staff had secretly found a job that is better in pay and she would have been happy to let the staff go with blessings. She was going to tell that staff that if after some time, the job does not pan out, to return because the job will be there for her. However, the staff chose to lie and told some elaborately fabricated story to buy empathy and understanding instead of telling the truth about finding another job.

Interesting how the truth always has a way of surfacing. Somehow the employer found out that she was lying 2 weeks before the last day. The employer said the goodwill to leave the door open was taken back because there was no more trust. Instead of allowing the staff to leave earlier [agreed out of empathy created by the lie], the employer insisted that the staff served till the last day which is the contractual obligation.

So the employee paid the price of lying instead. The truth would have gotten her goodwill. Such is the ageless and unchanging wisdom that the foolish refuse to accept.

Not all employees are bad – I have 4 angels. Not all employers are bad. Delinquent employees [a few bad apples] spoil the environment for other employees.

Incalcitrant ones only destroy their own future.

Do you trust one who betrays another just to win your trust?

I got to watch the movie SALT…Angelina Jolie…… while on a bus trip to KL from Singapore.

For movie synopsis, you can get it from the web. But one thing struck me about insecurity and loyalty.

Angelina, supposedly a CIA agent caught in the middle of serving two masters – USA’s interests and Russia’s interests due to a string of events in her life since her childhood, was put in a difficult position to choose between being loyal and being a legitimate person with real needs.

The agent Angelina played, was trained in all sorts of weaponry and terrorist handling. Agent SALT was both loving and ruthless, as the situation calls for.

The point i want to focus on is the nature of human beings. If there were someone who is willing to serve me with absolute loyalty, to the degree of betraying their own family, killing loved ones, or destroying anyone to proof his / her loyalty to me, I would not in the least bit feel grand or powerful. In fact, i would feel insecure around such a person, even if I were a mafia king.

I rather interact with someone who would oppose me and is open / transparent about it, on logical and rational grounds. I would not be too concerned about this person doing me harm besides the argument.

The ‘agent SALT’ type of interaction will ironically create a greater sense of insecurity – especially if the key players are all power hungry. She was loyal to the Russian master without fault and yet to get her to kowtow to him more, he shot her husband in cold blood right in front of her. She kept a steel composure and led the Russian master to think she was ok with her husband’s death. But the line was crossed! She was incensed but she hid her emotion well. True to his fears, she turned on him and killed him because he killed the  love of her life.

So it is with us wherever we are. When we do not have an absolute standard for values and do not respect / honour oneself, we will do the bidding of others, to a point where we lose our identity and become a ‘thing’…… sooner or later, we will wake up and realise that we have legitimate needs and want it fulfilled. The question is how long will it take to wake up and how will we handle the scenario?

Without an absolute standard, we are indeed at the mercy of circumstances, as we waver and try to do things to please, yet resentfully. Those who argue in favour of relativism will always be doubted even if they are sincere because there is no single yardstick that they hold to for measurement.

I have experienced much agonising with folks who conveniently switch their position to serve their own needs, rendering agreements useless, and any previously agreed terms meaningless.

Communication will break down, trust will be destroyed and basic human to human respect takes a tumble because everything is relative. Not a space I want to play in. I rather have standards and be consistent in them, though the standards may have flaws – which provide a level playing field for everyone. Shifting goal posts, shifting standards, shifting emotions, are the playground of manipulators.

Worst than a conman is….

Meeting and succumbing to a conman make me feel ‘victimised’ but the ultimate form of betrayal, to me, is the one where those around me intentionally create a trust bubble meant to deceive.

When there seems to be a sense of camaraderieship, trust will be exchanged and bond will form……but when that turns out to be a manipulated environment – a bubble – a deep sense of betrayal is felt.

I have been through several of those and one would think I should not be so silly to go through another…… well I did.

However, I rather be believing in a person’s genuine care and take the pain when it turned out to be fake, than to become a cynic and a Grinch.

I don’t like the feeling of being used, betrayed, taken for a ride…who does! I wish for such persons’ sake that they will wake up to a world that is better than what they perceived and realised that their method of handling life has not only hurt others but themselves and those precious around them.

Seems like a question that should not have to be asked but ‘why do people betray?’ Very often those who are betrayed do not deserve it -they are just gullible.

Won’t it be better that we treat each other, especially friends, with respect and honour?

Shaming and Blaming

Some people and some communities [I think particularly Asian communities] have an entrenched habit of blaming and shaming.  The prevalence was more intense and widespread in past generations.

Most of us who are in the baby boomers generation can remember being labelled ‘stupid’, ‘useless’, ‘ugly’, etc. Being labelled such by our parents / loved ones made it even more damaging.

It was considered a proper practice / a desired behaviour not to praise one’s kids in the presence of relatives and friends. If the praise came from them, parents were expected to practice ‘false humility’ by denying the intelligence, beauty or whatever praises given to their kids. That gave rise to the unintended long term effect of children feeling stupid, useless and hopeless. 

When children misbehaved, parents tended to shame them publicly into submission. It is also fairly effective to condition behaviours of adults – negative behaviours being paraded publicly and embarrassment heightened by media. [eg. litterbugs in Singapore go through Corrections Works Order – offenders put on bright jackets with those words and go to public spaces to pick up litter like Yogi bear.  Many will keep their face away from the reporters’ camera.]

Arguably, it works and so it is still being used. Those who still practise public shaming [and blaming] are aware of the speed of its effectiveness. 

One important consideration is the long term damage on the souls. Shaming may change behaviour but only in the short term. In the long run, the injured souls are those walk the streets, in our schools, are our neighbours & friends and we wonder why they behave the way the do. [recalcitrant is a separate discussion]

There is the other camp – typically the children raised under such environment, who are now themselves parents. They go way out of their way to protect their children from shame. The pendulum swings.

We have another generation or two now who are raised by parents who over-protect, over-shelter to a point where these young adults / late teens have no sense of responsibilities, proprietary, and reality of the real world.  Most of them are conditioned to be ‘blamers’. The proverbial ‘the dog ate it’ / ‘the devil made me do it’ mindset can be seen at the fault lines. 

Feeling vs state of mind…..

Sometime ago, there was a discussion if optimism is a feeling or a state of mind / character of a person.

I suppose I can lump ‘gratefulness’ into that discussion.

My personal opinion – it can be both. If it were just a feeling, then both optimism and gratefulness, like all feelings, are temporary, fleeting and replaceable. However, both can also be a mindset or state of mind. If they are part of mindset, then no external circumstance can remove them.

I was once told ‘I will change my mindset if the terms are right.’ It is a bit of a paradox. A mindset does not change despite the changing environment, that is why it is called a mindset or paradigm.

When we are optimistic, it does not mean we artificially put on a pair of glasses and recalibrate all things, ignoring not so optimistic indicators – unrealistic in assessment. When indicators be it from supervisors, peers, etc are not so positive, artificially inflated optimism simply ignores the feedback and label those feedback as mere perceptions.

Similarly with gratefulness….

When we express our gratefulness to those whom we have received kindness, if it was a sense or feeling, it would bolt out the door as soon as some point of contention surfaces. However, deep gratefulness remains unshaken even though contention or tension occurs.

So do we really mean what we say or do we even know the significance when we use those words?