Who is the head of the family?

How many of us remember every episode in our childhood when we cried, wailed or sobbed hysterically? [Trauma, or extenuating circumstances excluded.]

I, personally, cannot remember any of the tantrums I threw as a child nor do I remember the times when I cried for attention [below the age of 6].

So what?

I watching a young Mom who was having dinner with another lady and other children under ten, minus Daddy, at a food court in Singapore’s Botanical Gardens.

What caught my attention was the demanding cries of the two-year old. She was seated on one of those plastic mobiles pushed by an adult – a make-believe vehicle for young ones like her.

It was a pain to watch the reality as a third party, and at the same time it was quite humorous. The child dictated if the Mom turned left or right, sat / rested or pushed her. She quite obviously wanted to be pushed around and decided where she wanted to go and for how long.

Whenever her Mom decided to rest or return to the food table, the young one would throw a tantrum. I watched and watched as her Mom patiently kowtow to the girl’s needs. The Mom might disagree with my observations. However, the child was getting the reinforcement that she can use her emotion to manipulate / command her Mom.

When Mom got tired, she handed the responsibility to the maid ie the maid then had to kowtow to the 2-year old’s demands.

Someday, dear Mom, you have to hand your child over to schoolmates, to teachers, to colleagues, to communities, to a boyfriend and husband, etc. She will use her emotion to manipulate / control because she has been conditioned to do so. Dear Mom, indirectly you have caused injustice in the society.

That got me thinking. Why did her Mom allow her to have so much say or power? I came to this conclusion. The Mom could not bear to hear the child cry – as if the child was being traumatised or deprived. Then I asked why again.

I think that especially those [parents] who cannot bear the pain in their own hearts, when they hear their toddler cry, think it is cruel to let a child cry till he / she falls asleep or to ignore the tantrums. They feel that a child should not suffer at all, and they would respond to every fuss kicked up by the child…..

These parents end up being the slaves to their children – at their beck and call.

These are the parents who think that the child will remember every cry, every sad moment in his / her life. As if worried that the child will keep a record of each unattended call for attention, each tear drop ever shed, or each unhappy moment of his / her life. As if fearful that such a record will be revealed someday, some parents will unconsciously cater to every cry, tantrum, demand and manipulation – thinking that that is what dutiful parents do.

Eh… pardon Auntie Poh for being nosy and less tolerant of young children manipulating adults.

I find it amusing that many of these indulgent parents are senior leaders in the market place, who take risks, even enjoy taking risks. But when it comes to parenting, the same businessman / woman do not have a risk appetite.

Parenting is a long term investment. What we sow today is investment and the results can only be seen many years down the road. If we adopt the short term trading approach, we will roller coast with the ups and downs, with every wail, scream, tantrum, and struggle of the will.

If we adopt a longer term investment approach, we will ignore the short term swings in the emotions and focus on the consistency of message / conditioning and in moulding and shaping our descendents to be active and healthy citizens of society.

Again, please pardon Aunty Poh for over generalising…